But...Why Remember?

But…Why Remember?

Had an interesting experience at my meditation group yesterday…no, I didn’t ugly cry, however, I did get mad. Wait…what? Mad at meditation? That is so not Zen and probably…like…totally…not cool either.   I mean what person gets pissy when they are all chill and vibrating at a higher rate? I will tell you who. Me. But…Why?

So, our class had a lot more people than usual. Normally there’s between 12-15 of us that come on a regular basis including a few floaters. This time there was a special guest. A lady who was there to help us connect with our higher selves. She would walk around the room and give us messages as we meditated. I’ve never experienced that before so, hey, why not? I’m always down for a new experience. However, as it turned out there was nearly 25 of us. And this poor lady offered up messages for EVERYONE. That meant we stayed in a state of meditation for nearly two hours while she went around the room delivering personalized messages. I can’t imagine the amount of energy it took for her to do this. So, the fact that I am pissy about my experience is reminding me of what a total bitch I can be. I’ve always said I’m a reformed bitch and have temporary lapses. They’ve been few and far between but like a sober bar tender, the temptation is strong.  

We are all sitting in a circle and have been guided into the sweet spot of meditation. This woman starts the process. Even though we are zoning out, the facility carries sound and I can hear everything she is saying to each person as she does her readings. I’m hearing things like…oh my you have amazing energy, your guides are full of love for you. You are a lightworker that’s incarnated for hundreds of lives, what beautiful energy you have…you are gifted with the ability to heal, I’m overcome with the love these guides have for you.  And then it’s my turn…

Her: Oh. Hmmm. Interesting. You’re not really listening. You should listen more, especially when you take a shower. Also, you need to remember what your passions were as a child and do that. You’re stable and ready.

What? Excuse me. No beautiful energy? No amazing guides full of love for me? That sucks. And so did being a kid. No disrespect to my parents, but it really wasn’t an ideal situation. I don’t remember having passions as a kid. Except maybe to grow up and not be a kid anymore. Seriously. I hated being a kid. My family teases me all the time because they will bring up memories that I have totally forgotten. They’re like Suze, don’t you remember….and I’m like nope. Once I was done, I didn’t look back. And now this woman is saying I have to remember being a kid. Ugh.

After she walked away and went on to the next one all I could think of was that was lame. This is all BS. I want this to end and go back to my regular meditation.

And then the group had a little time for questions and answers or just to talk about their experience. I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to be Negative Nancy and say I didn’t connect at all and that I thought it was totally lame-o. Everyone went on and on gushing about their experiences. But then, the lady looked directly at me, like she knew I had something to say, wanted to say it but didn’t want to say it. The room erupted into discussion so quietly I said to her. Look, I didn’t like my childhood. I don’t want to remember it. I don’t understand what you meant by finding my passions as a child. She said, you will when you remember. Got to bed tonight and ask for the answers to come in your dreams.

I woke up this morning more confused than ever. I slept hard. Deep. I dreamt but I don’t remember the dreams. I went for a walk to think, clear my head. Nada. What did I do as a child? What did I like? Why can’t I remember? Will I find the answers and does it matter? Maybe all of this means nothing and it’s a fun way to feel connected. But then, maybe it’s not. Maybe, I should just go take a shower, close my eyes and listen.

Post Shower: I kid you not, my own clear, direct voice said to me…I went in with expectations and I really should have just been an open vessel. Well, now, isn’t that interesting. It reminds me of the saying, “I’d rather have a mind opened by imagination than closed from belief.” I’m sorry to who wrote that. I can’t remember your name to properly quote, but then, I am having issues with remembering… However, I will continue on with my day with an open mind, listening and possibly even remembering a passion I once had as a child.