But...Why Chaos?

"I say unto you: one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”

                                                                                                                       – Friedrich Nietzsche

I had my granddaughter for the past week. Thought I could write during that time. Hahahaha…. Yeah, no. She’s three and an absolute burst of unfiltered, unbridled joyful energy. So much so that I actually heard myself say. Sorry, sweetheart, Grandma’s tired.

I’m too damn young to be a grandma so those words did not sit well with me. I tried to rally. Power nap through Barbie Play Time and then again during the third viewing of Moana. I woke up to the cats dive bombing my near dead house plant and the twins giving Coco rides in the laundry basket down the stairs. Hey mom, watch this!

That startled me awake enough to pull myself together. I inwardly groaned as I scanned the house. Piles of toys, dishes, dug up dirt mounds (again from the cats) baggies of goldfish and raisins tossed and smooshed on the floor. What the hell? What’s wrong with me?

Oh.

I chose to dietary detox right before I picked her up. Four days before, I voluntarily cut out sugar and carbs. I cut back my caffeine intake. I threw my body into chemical mayhem. Why? Purely because I wanted to see if all this shit was actually affecting my body. Guess what? It does! What the hell was I thinking? Why didn’t I think that would affect me, my mood and my ability to function as an awesome, most fun ever, grandma?  

I wasn’t thinking. I’ve been on this weird kick lately—cutting out tv completely, going vegetarian, doing two hour meditations, fantastical retreats, mind expanding reading... Honestly just because I’m curious. Does it make a difference? Does the food we eat actually make a difference in how we function? The amount of tv that we let impale our minds on a daily basis, does meditation truly awaken us? It’s been a wild and unending ride. I have more questions than answers now, but the answers that I’ve been getting are incredibly fascinating and yes, awakening. However, I still have to live in the “real” world. Sigh… the normal world, where, cats need to be trained, kids fed, Barbies played with and hugs to be given.

So now, she has gone home, the boys are in school and I am sitting in the quiet. The sugars have balanced, I’m not so tired. That mess, that chaos…its gone.  And in the silence, I can hear her giggles. I can here her singing, “Let it go…” I can hear my boys acting out the Barbies’ by her instruction. No, Star Barbie wants to ride the horse now, put her on the horse. Rainbow Barbie wants you to take her swimming. They do whatever she says, because it makes her happy. And that, I discovered, is my dancing star, my beautiful gift birthed from chaos.